Shit. It's been 6 months since I've even looked at this blog. It's been on my mind... I should write about this, or that seems to be something I should work out over my keyboard on this platform. But I didn't. In all honesty, writing has just seemed exhausting. Sitting down with a purpose and actually focusing on what I wanted to say was too much. Because I've been busy. Work - that always, literally, feels like Day 1 (an accurate Amazon claim). Travel - for work, to visit family, to run races, to see friends and just to get away for a few days. Running - I did a full marathon training cycle that included running 5 other races as part of the build up to the NYC marathon. So there it is - I prioritized other things. And, also, instagram. What I mean by this is that Insta makes it easy to document on the go. I can simply write a post that is a bit longer that gets my point across and skip diving too deeply into the weeds of my thoughts in full blog post. So, there are the excuses: busy and lazy. If I set aside those excuses, I uncover the real reason I didn't dive in: I am afraid to sort it all out. It's fair to say that the last year has been a rough one in the US. The leadership at the highest level of the country would be a joke if it weren't real life with real negative consequences felt every day. I am constantly sad and angry and at a complete loss in how to handle these emotions. I share my opinions, I vote and I donate to organizations that I believe need it and are doing good things (eg. Planned Parenthood)... but it's not enough. And I just won't understand how anyone could have supported this path to begin with and I'm even more confused how some still do. There is a fundamental divide: I care about people, some others don't. Bottom line. Politics should, actually be about the people and making decisions that are in their best interest. For the majority. Not the elite. And the minorities - those different from the privileged white males that seem to think they are masters of the f*cking universe. The political (or what it really is: lack of human decency) climate this last year has rattled my eternal optimism to the core and it leaves me questioning if I'm broken because of it. I always look at a glass half full - but over the last several months I've wanted to chug back that water, curl into a ball, and somehow block out that this is real. See? It's some deep sh*t I've been mulling over and it's really hard to hash it all out. Let me tell you one thing this year has made me not want is a child. As in, to give birth to a child and bring an innocent human into this mess. Before I tie that feeling completely to what's going on in this country - let me preface this by saying Erik and I have been on the "soft no" side of having kids since the beginning of our relationship. We've talked about it a lot actually, over the years before we got married and it isn't something either of us feels we necessarily need. Since our marriage last year, however, we are constantly having to share that choice with friends, family and strangers alike. "Oh, you're moving to Tokyo? Great! Get that adventure out of your system now before you settle and have kids..." as if it's just a given that we will. (Oh, yeah, we're moving to Tokyo in early 2018. More on that later!) "When do you think you'll have kids?"...we very likely may not. Then: "Really, you're not going to have kids...ever?" with a super concerned look. And my favorite after telling someone that I'm a dog mom and really happy about it: "Yeah, it takes having kids to realize that your dog is...just a dog." Then I saw red. I'm not surprised by this line of questioning. People are nosy AF. Women's bodies and what they do with them has been a target for criticism since forever and this last year has not slowed those conversations and judgement. What is really unfortunate though is that there are couples that are on the yes side of wanting a kid or two but cannot and it pains me that these questions are coming at them hard as well. People actually seem somewhat skeptical that we're making this choice right now - looking at us like that cannot possibly be! Surely everyone has to take this path. Have not one but at least two (notice they always say "kids" - as if having more than one, in fact, is a given) like everyone else! I also realize that the people that do have kids also get a shit storm of judgement thrown at them as well, so there isn't really a judgement free path that can be taken.
It's exhausting. Physically it's also been a tough year. Getting injured has certainly humbled me and made me respect running in a whole new way. I'm actually shocked I could go from a calf tear to a PR marathon at NYC in 7 months. (There was also gaining and subsequently losing 20lbs over that time as well.) It took a lot of work but it definitely wasn't my most physically demanding marathon training block that I've executed. Mentally, however, it was like climbing a mountain everyday. I had more doubt than usual to overcome and it almost held me back from my goals. So those are the big things. A few of the issues, situations and activities that caused time to seemingly skip forward half a year in the blink of an eye. It was an interesting place to feel stuck. Going through the motions - hurrying to do more, share more, be more. Yet feeling like everything is a bit out of control and I'm standing still in the middle of it. A constant hustle, waiting for something to change.
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AuthorA Midwest girl gone global. I choose happiness everyday: I run, eat well, travel, and love completely. Archives
March 2022
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